We were huddled around the only heater in the shop—cold, hungry, and starting to view each other as pork tenderloins. All our phones were out of power except Matt's, which gave us hope that we could reach others and call for help. As we started to dial 1-888-NOW-PIZZA, we felt a surge of confidence. But suddenly, his phone went dead at 40% battery. There was silence. People were crying, some knitting, and we were becoming aware of our increasingly dire situation. We needed to fix his battery stat, and somehow eat. We brought to life, using just two rocks: magnesium and toothpaste, an old laptop, and ordered a new 5s battery from iFixit. Hungry, and losing our energy, we ate Matt. We're not proud of this, but don't judge! If you know another engineer with racing experience, or that is tasty, please let us know.
We were still feeling bad about old Matt, but when the package arrived, we ended the BBQ and party so we could get on with the repair. This was no longer Matt's phone—it was our phone! Using a rock, magnesium, and toothpaste, I started to work on the phone—and it was not going well. For hours it seemed, nothing helped, until Sarah, our trusty accounting assistant, mentioned the tools that were in the box. Maybe, she suggested, we should use them. "Shut up and don't tell me what to do," I bellowed. "You know nothing about engineering, and expertise in such things. I will never use those tools." But as I used the tools, the ease of the operation became clear. With the sticky tape now covering Sarah's lips so she could not repeat, "I told you so," over and over, I was able to concentrate on the task at hand. Steady, steady, careful, I brought the mug of beer safely to my lips. The phone's new battery was now in place. The entire group looked on in awe, and I gave a knowing wink to Rita, the cute redhead, who returned my wink by raising her hand shaped like an "L," which probably meant LION or LOVE. Yes, MUCH LOVE had to be it!
Never ever, ever, ever work on a phone with an empty stomach, or a beer in your hand. Someone making an "L" with their hand held up to the forehead apparently does not mean LOVE. Always know a good lawyer. Always. And, when fixing your electronics, use iFixit. ALWAYS! And, use the tools they provide (shut up Sarah)!
In honor and memory of Matt Smith, who gave his all, and was soooo yummy.