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iPhone 4 Oppression Kit

Apple engineer locking an iPhone with Pentalobe screws
Typical Apple engineer locking down your iPhone

Apple is watching your every move. If you have already liberated your phone, reconsider. If your iPhone came with Phillips screws, you’re not out of the woods either. Fact of the matter is, if your iPhone has Phillips screws on the bottom, YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER.

Apple helicopter
On the lookout for offending individuals

“People simply disappeared, always during the night. Your name was removed from the registers, every record of everything you had ever done was wiped out, your one-time existence was denied and then forgotten. You were abolished, annihilated: vaporized was the usual word.” We read this in a book once. It might be relevant, or it might be over-the-top fear mongering. (But what if it’s not?)

We’ve known for a while that the carriers know where you are at all times. What if they are sharing your every move with Cupertino? Recent reports from the jailbreaking-and-tethering community indicate that Apple and their confederates know far more about what you’re doing with your phone than previously thought. What if Apple finds out that you liberated your phone?

This clear and present danger has convinced us that we were wrong all along. Our days of preaching open hardware and liberating phones are behind us. Instead, we are dedicating ourselves to protecting you and your loved ones with tried and true proprietary screws.

I’m convinced. Quickly, tell me what I need to buy!

You need safe, proprietary Pentalobe screws. They’re similar to Torx — except that the points have a rounder shape, and they have five points instead of six. Hence the prefix “penta,” Latin for “five,” and “lobe,” Latin for “point.”

To ensure 100% maximum protection, we’re selling these Pentalobe screws as part of a kit — the iPhone 4 Oppression Kit. You get everything you need to lock down your phone from prying hands:

  • Two Pentalobe screws to replace the Apple-fretting Phillips screws you used to liberate your phone.
  • Two screwdrivers for the task: a Phillips driver for the old screws, and a Pentalobe driver for the new screws.
  • iPhone 4 Oppression Kit card, which you should keep in your wallet as a faithful card-carrying member. As an added bonus, the card is a more Apple-approved color: white.
iPhone 4 pentalobe head screw oppression kit
iPhone 4 oppression kit

You’re risking the well-being of everyone around you with every minute that passes without the safe, secure Pentalobe screws in place. Buy the Pentalobe Oppression Kit today — if you swap your screws fast enough, your family will still be there when you get home!